She sits in the dark on the ground next to the fire pit that he made. Slowly she feeds the fire, one piece of paper at a time. Is the pain of a lifetime burning in that fire? Memory after memory going up in flames. Another piece of paper, this time she pokes at the fire. Is she imagining someone or just making sure the fire doesn't go out? Another piece of paper and the flame shoots higher. The flames dance, mesmerizing her with the ever shifting colors. Is she picturing him in the flames? Another piece of paper, the smoke gets in her eyes and she wipes away a tear. Is she relieved he's gone or just so tired that it doesn't matter anymore? Another piece of paper …

Pattern number 117 from Crochet & Creative Design by Annette Feldman

Multiple of 18 ch:

Row 1: With MC, ch 1, 1 sc in 2nd ch from hk, * 1 sc in next ch, repeat from * across, ch 1, turn.

Row 2: With MC, 2 sc in 1st sc, *1 sc in each of next 6 sc, (insert hk in next sc, yo and draw through) twice, yo and draw through 3 lps on hk (1 dec made), 1 dec over next 2 sc, 1 sc in each of next 6 sc, (2 sc in next sc) twice, repeat from * across and end 1 sc in each of last 7 sc, insert hk in last sc worked, yo and draw through, drop MC, with CC yo and draw through 2 lps on hk, ch 1 turn.

Row 3: With CC, 2 sc in 1st sc, * 1 sc in each of next 6 sc, (1 dec over next 2 sts) twice, 1 sc in each of next 6 sc, (2 sc in next sc) twice, repeat from * across and end 2 sc in last sc, ch1, turn.

Row 4: With CC, 2 sc in 1st sc, * 1 sc in each of next 6 sc, (1 dec over next 2 sts) twice, 1 sc in each of next 6 sc, (2 sc in next sc) twice, repeat from * across and end 1 sc in each of last 7 sc, insert hk in last sc worked, drop CC, with MC yo and draw through 2 lps on hk, ch 1, turn.

Row 5: With MC, 2 sc in 1st sc, * 1 sc in each of next 6 sc, (1 dec over next 2 sc) twice, 1 sc in each of next 6 sc, (2 sc in next sc) twice, repeat from * across and end 2 sc in last sc, ch 1 turn.

Repeat rows 2 through 5 for pattern.

My heart is still pounding. I let the girls out to pottie and I look up and Katey goes shooting across the road and into the neighbor's yard. I was over there almost as quick but by the time I had gotten there she had sniffed Pepper's butt and was looking up at Coleen wanting to say hello to the dog she was holding. Coleen calmly put her hand down and grabbed Katey's collar and she let her and sat down. She then let me lead her home, w/o getting all excited. I know she was thinking "I'm in trouble, I'm in trouble, here comes the muzzle, I'm in big trouble." I got her hooked up and she squatted and peed. The whole time Tracey's barking her fool head off wanting in on the action. It was harder to calm Tracey down than Katey. Katey actually acted like a good girl, I'm so surprised!!!

Okay. My heart is slowing down a little now.

I'm trying to stay up until the clinic opens at 9:00. I need to call in some scripts and make appointments for me and Jeremy. Jeremy for a follow-up on his ER / Acute visit. Me b/c the nerves in my left arm are bothering me. Most of the time the palm of my hand is semi-numb, and feels spongy. Even as I type this I'm noticing that I'm having trouble typing with my fourth & fifth finger. I hope they don't think that I'm having heart trouble b/c I'm having trouble with my left arm. Just my luck they'll hook me up to machines and say that now I've got to stay over.

Okay, nothing else to write, I'm going to go play with my farms on Farm Ville.

Friday we went to Jeremy's doctor appointment and the nurse took his vitals, the doc came in and sent him over to the ER. ER kept him for a few hours waiting for test results then sent him over to Acute and he stayed the night.

I did not like having him there. It's one thing to have him sleeping upstairs while I'm downstairs or me sleeping upstairs and him downstairs AND a completely different thing having him not here at all.

I got a good taste of what it would be like if he actually did die AND I REALLY DON'T LIKE IT! It's good incentive to keep on the diet plan that we've started the other day.

The animals didn't like it either. Begherra kept looking out the window for him and Katie went from room to room looking for him.

And I realized something today. Begherra came to see if I was a 'bergular' today. He didn't do that when Jeremy wasn't here. It's part of his way of protecting Jeremy.

It's funny how the animals all have their different ways of taking care of him. Sweet Pea snuggles with him. Tracey sits with him when he's on the toilet and gives him kisses. Katey pretty much ignores him unless his sugar is off and she pesters him then. Begherra protects him from 'bergulars' and Nermal just plain ignores him completely unless she's cold and wants to snuggle to get warm.

Okay, I'm off to bed. Time to snuggle and get some good shut eye before someone has out to "oot and aboot" or I need to make something eat for Jeremy.

The North End is loosing too much

So last month Maple Manor closed. 60+ workers lost their jobs. Long Term hired 3 aides from there, no nurses or administration. Who knows where the housekeepers and kitchen crew are working, if at all.

Because of that Beacon ambulance closed. Aspirus is stepping in as a short term stop gap SONCO is letting them use a bus. Its not a long term fix.

And now the mill is closing. Approximately Sept 15 is the last day.

Unreal. There's going to be nothing to keep people here.

People so are on a fixed income are what's going to be keeping the economy going. How does THAT work?

I thought of Henry today ...

So I read something today that was very interesting. Sadly it reminded me of the Henry Kisor books.

Here's what I read in the Ironwood Daily Globe today:

Body found may be missing Illinois man

HAIGHT TOWNSHIP -- The Ontonagon Sheriff's Department found a man dead Saturday after investigating an abandoned vehicle off Forest Highway 5311 in Haight Township.

The vehicle was registered under the name of a man reported involuntarily missing from Carpentersville, Ill.

Maciej Karwacki, 29, was last seen in June. About 300 yards west of the vehicle, Karwacki was found hanging from a tree.

It sounds like something Steve Martinez would look into. Reminds me of a couple of Henry's stories wrapped together.

It should be interesting to see how he fits into Ontonagon County. Haight Township is the south end, Bruce Crossing - Paulding area. I tried to look up the Forest Highway but couldn't find it on Map Quest or Yahoo Maps. I did find a map of the Ottowa Forest that has all the Forest Highways on it, but it was so little that I couldn't read it. It looks like someone just scanned it in. In fact I think I owned that map 15 years ago. I distinctly remember being facinated by all those back roads and how you can get from one place to another and never have to drive down the highway. You might have to cross the highways but that's it. Anyway, I will have to remember to go to the local Forest Service Office here in Ontonagon. I'm sure Henry's used this type of map as a reference when he wrote his books.

59 degrees and rain. Feels like October. The rain is a fine drizzle the kind that quickly turns to sleet.

My back is getting worse. Thankfully I was paper work last night otherwise I would have ended up in the ER. I'm staying up and calling the clinic as soon as they open. I will take whoever I can get. Hopefully it's Jennifer Weaver. Jeremy saw her a couple weeks ago and I liked her, wouldnl't mind having her for me too. I'm afraid that all the doctor will say is eat right, exercise and loose weight. I'm sure that would help, but something's wrong.

Finally got my cornmeal colored yarn. I love it. I can't wait to work on that afghan again. Will have to dig it out later today and get it set up by the tv.

Called in last night

Called in last night. My hip and back have been bothering me. Even just walking around Family $, Vinnies and Pamida today hurt. I'm hoping after the swelling goes down in my knee a little more I won't be favoring it and it won't hurt my back. It only hurts when I walk and pick stuff up, so who knows.

It's 67 degrees out, but it feels alot cooler. It's overcast and looks like the sky could let loose anytime now. It's starting to feel like fall, leaves are starting to change already.

So we got out and Jeremy got to see the sites. Nothing too exciting was picked up at any of the stores.

I've started Farms for everyone here. What a pain b/c Farmville isn't working properly.

No dead fish here!

Okay, I'm not laying here like a dead fish.

Apparently it's been almost a whole week (gasp! & double gasp!) since I posted anything. Jeremy's threatening to remove me from his bookmarks b/c he's got so much going on that he can't keep 'dead fish' sites in his bookmarks.

I was at Bond Falls Flowage the last two days. Camp Out. It was pretty interesting. Got to hold Marcus, he's a cutie! It was hot and sunny thankfully there are a lot of trees for shade and there was almost always a breeze. I slept at Mom's so that I could sleep late and work last night. Saturday afternoon, I found everyone down at the day beach. The lake is the lowest I've ever seen it. And pretty murky. But the kids didn't seem to mind, water's water and it cooled them off.

I have Tuesday and Wednesday off, can't wait. Don't know what I will do but I will enjoy not working!

I finally got a book I've been waiting for from PBS for months. I broke down and bought it on ebay. Another book finally became available on PBS that I've been waiting for for a good while too. Now the only books I REALLY want are ones that haven't been released yet. I'm guessing I'll have to buy them, they won't be available on PBS for a good year yet. Doesn't hurt to be on the list.

Okay time for a shower and chill before work. Get the game face on and brace for work.

Anther weekend, another rain delayed race at Watkins Glen. The race is slated to start in 1/2 hour on ESPN. I just googled the weather for the race track and after 6 pm tonight there's a 50% chance of storms again. So six hours for 90 laps.

It's been hot and muggy this last few days. The first really unbearable weather of the summer. Jeremy's been upstairs alot this last weekend. His fibro and neuropothy is kicking his butt.

I made an appointment to get my hair cut again this Thursday. I will make another appointment before I leave.

The camp out is next weekend. Hope it's not too stressful. Who knows with family.

My but will probably be dragging, I didn't get much sleep. Maybe 4 hours tops. I was planning on getting a little sleep downstairs and watching the race when it started. Jeremy came down at about 11 and told me that it was raining cats and dogs and I went upstairs to get a few hours sleep. At 2 he woke me up and I stayed up until after 4 waiting for the race to start.

By then Katey's facebook page was started and I've been messing with that for a while.

I also tried a few things with the beads but didn't get it right. I'm ready to ditch them all. I have just enough stuff to have a lot invested in it and not enough to do much of anything anymore. I need to get more beads if I'm going to go on but lately I just can't justify it b/c it's so expensive and doesn't repay itself and it's not like I wear any of it anymore. I've tried at least wearing the earrings but every time I wear them I end up wearing a face mask and they get all tangled up in the mask.

I just watched the Sgt Crowley interview, the last 10 minutes at least, it was on Fox when I turned on the news. He didn't let the press walk over him. He stopped them from interrupting him on numerous occasions. Firmly let them know what he would talk about and what he wouldn't and when they reasked the same questions in various ways, he stood his ground. Got to have respect for him for the whole way he's handled the whole situation.

One of the men that Greta interview after the press conference of Sgt Crowley brought up an interesting point. The whole beer summit is another diversion. In one hour Obama said that doctors are thieves (he sited the doctor who was doing unnecessary tonsillectomies) and after saying that he didn't know about what happened that the police acted stupidly. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! And turns out they DIDN'T act stupidly. Someone talking about what he didn't know and giving a strong opinion on what he doesn't know anything about is THE DEFINITION of acting stupidly. Turns out that Obama isn't alone thou. I work with people who do the same thing ALL the time. They aren't there, don't know the variables, most importantly they don't ask, just go on and on to anyone who will listen.

The weather man was WRONG, and we didn't go rock hunting. On a good note we hit Vinnies and made out like bandits. Jeremy got a boat load of Louis and I got a few really good books about sewing and crochet. There's a knitting pattern that I can turn into crochet for 'snuggy' type throw that I've been trying to perfect on my own. I also got more of the yarn from Pamida. Guess when they discontinue something I shouldn't give up hope of ever seeing it there again b/c I bought them out when they were clearance priced and have been back three more time and bought out three more times.

Just writing this so I don't completely forget all the symptoms b/c I'm good at that.

The last three times I've eaten/taken my meds I've had stomach aches afterward. The top part of my stomach.

And my nerves are shooting pains in various spots. Mainly in my inner right knee, but also my right foot and my left arm is doing the tooth aching thing in the ulna nerve again.

Don't know what's related and what's not, but am going to keep track of these things so maybe at some point I can figure out what's up with me.

I got Five books from PBS today. Two of the books the order had been canceled. I gave the member credit b/c I really really wanted one of the books, otherwise I would have felt obligated to send the books back. Actually I could have and should have only given them credit for the one I wanted and send the other back. Oh well, too late now. I am a credit down, but have one book mailed so I will have a credit when they receive it. Otherwise I will have to buy credits to pay for it.

It's been a weird day. I had yesterday off and slept like I would normally to go to work. Had to be up for 1:30 for a Dr appointment for Jeremy.

I would have to say the Dr is proving to be more and more of a quack. He welcomed us into the room and said "Good to see you Jerry." Jeremy was really good about it, said, "It's Jeremy, my name's Jeremy." The Dr back peddled and apologized. Jeremy did good not to tell the guy off. During the whole appointment he talked to me and not Jeremy. And he went over non-important things. He went on & on me having trouble getting his meds. I actually had to redirect him!

Mom called today. Of course they wanted rent. She was good about it when I told her we didnt' have it right now. Dad wants us to buy the house. The tax credit would be for $2,000 tops. Don't know if it would be worth it right now. I told Dad not to get all excited about us buying it b/c we had to pay off the truck first and that wasn't until next spring. Mom tried to press us to figure out a way to do it still this year so we could use the tax credit. She thought it was a flat $8,000. It's 10% or the value of the house up to $8,000. So that will give us a bit of help but not a whole lot. Have to still figure out what we are going to do. Do want to buy it, and it would be nice to get a loan for more to fix the roof, the front steps and add a back porch.

Other things I've learned today:
*Mom's loosing weight. 25# so far. That's really good, I have got to start working on that too.
*Ben is down visiting Cari. Will be there for another 3 weeks or so.
*Dad and Uncle Frank almost needed a search and rescue team to find them out at the Old Choate Logging Town. Actually the problem was they didn't make it there, got lost and really got turned around in the woods. Apparently he didn't remember to bring his compass but remembered his cell phone. Two, no three things.
1) Dad DIDN'T bring his compass? That's the first thing needed when going into the woods.
2) Cell phone? Dad? ???
3) Didn't he learn anything from his last attempt to go fishing there? They didn't last long that time either. He burned his shirt, fell in the river, brought cornmeal instead of powedered egg.
*Mom & Dad have internet on their computer and Ben's lap top. Mom says they aren't using their computer, but give it time, Cari will have her playing Farkle and Farmville on Facebook next time they come visiting.
*Camp-Out is mid August. We won't sleep there, but will most likely be able to visit.

What's with all the killing sprees lately?

Okay, it's one thing to read a murder mystery, but there is WAY too much going on in real life. I must say I'm more likely to stay away from crime mystery books b/c I'm seeing so much of it on the news lately.

8 am, 54 degrees. There are little tomatoes on our tomato plants that are sitting on the front steps. I really didn't think that we'd see much out of them. May still not get anything, if the dogs get to them, but they seem not to even notice them.

No Sprint race today. KY won again last night. I don't even know why I bother to look up the races if I miss them. I should just assume that he won. I did remember to ask for Homestead off. I took Saturday 7 am to Monday 10 pm off.

We aren't going rock hunting. Jeremy's feet are terribly swolen. I made pepperoni, ham & mushroom pizza yesturday, not even thinking that it would so terribly hurt him. It's been a long time since his feet were this swolen. I'm pretty bummed, but don't want to go w/o him and don't want to take him b/c he will be in so much pain.

So today's another stay at home day. I will do laundry and I have got to mow the lawn. Should go start that and get it over with. I also paid bills. Whooowhooo. At least they are paid. And we have enough $$$ for gas and groceries.

Nothing much else is new here. I'm really trying to put off moving, should get going so that I can be back for AMC & OLTL.

Okay, getting off my butt and moving. SLOWLY, BUT MOVING.

NASCAR: Mayfield again tests positive for meth

By JENNA FRYER AP Auto Racing Writer

Jeremy Mayfield tested positive again for methamphetamine, NASCAR said, igniting another round of denials from the driver, who angrily accused the sanctioning body of paying his stepmother to lie about his alleged past drug use.

The positive result from a July 6 random test was included in a U.S. District Court filing Wednesday that asked the federal judge who lifted Mayfield’s drug suspension to reinstate the ban. The filing included an affidavit from Mayfield’s stepmother, Lisa, who said she witnessed the driver using methamphetamine at least 30 times over seven years.

“I don’t trust anything NASCAR does, anything Dr. David Black does, never have, never will,” Mayfield told The Associated Press in a phone interview. Black is the administrator for NASCAR’s drug-testing program.

“And they picked the wrong woman to use against me because that (expletive) is trash and has got nothing on me but lies.”

According to documents, Lisa Mayfield said she first saw the driver use meth in 1998 at a race shop in Mooresville, N.C. She said Mayfield cooked his own drugs until the ingredient pseudoephedrine was taken off the shelves and it became too difficult for Mayfield to obtain the ingredients. She said her stepson then began to purchase meth from others.

“Between 1998 and 2005, I am personally aware that Jeremy used methamphetamines often,” she said in her affidavit. “I was concerned about his heavy use and talked to his father about it. I saw Jeremy use methamphetamine by snorting it up his nose at least 30 times during the 7 years I was around him. Jeremy used methamphetamine not only in my presence, but also when we were both in the presence of others.”

Mayfield contested his stepmother’s account.

“She’s tried everything she can do to get money out of me. I won’t help her, so I guess she found a way to get money from NASCAR by giving them an affidavit full of lies,” he said.

Mayfield was suspended May 9 for failing a random drug test conducted eight days earlier. NASCAR later said he tested positive for methamphetamine.

He sued, and U.S. District Court Judge Graham Mullen issued an injunction July 1 that allowed Mayfield to return to competition. Mullen based his decision on Mayfield’s argument that the testing system is flawed and there was a reasonable likelihood of a false positive. He also gave NASCAR the right to test Mayfield at any time.

NASCAR did just that five days later at Mayfield’s home and said in its filings that the “A” sample had levels of methamphetamine consistent with habitual users who consume high doses.

“My only comment is that’s their result,” Mayfield attorney John Buric said. “But what I want you to keep in mind is that test was performed by the defendants in the case. Aegis Laboratories and Dr. Black are defendants in this case. I don’t know if NASCAR has the right to ask the defendant to test Jeremy’s urine sample. It ought to be done independently, but NASCAR didn’t do that.”

On July 6, Mayfield also had a second test at a lab chosen by his attorneys. Buric said that test came back negative but was sent back to the lab Wednesday for “reconfirmation” after the NASCAR test results were received.

The filing also claims Mayfield and his attorneys have failed to select a qualified laboratory to test the backup “B” sample. Buric acknowledged the two sides are still haggling over a lab for the “B” sample and said NASCAR rejected the lab they picked.

Lisa Mayfield said her stepson told her he used meth before a season-ending NASCAR awards ceremony while driving for Ray Evernham. She also said Mayfield used meth during a 1999 trip to Myrtle Beach that preceded a race at nearby Darlington Raceway.

“We left Myrtle Beach and traveled to Darlington for the race,” she wrote. “I saw Jeremy using methamphetamine again when we reached Darlington.”

Mayfield said all of Lisa Mayfield’s claims were lies based on being monetarily cut off following her husband’s 2007 death.

“She don’t deserve the Mayfield name,” he said. “She’s hated me since my dad got killed because I won’t give her any money. She goes on the Internet and blogs lies about me and Shana (his wife) and everything you can imagine. She’s broke, and I guess she got NASCAR to give her some money.”

Mayfield also said he has independently been tested at least six times since his failed May 1 test, and all came back negative.

Meantime, Mayfield’s lawyers filed their response Wednesday to NASCAR’s motion last week to overturn Mullen’s injunction.

The brief, which didn’t include the results of Mayfield’s latest drug case, argued NASCAR was trying to “fashion the rules to their liking” by not meeting the requirements needed to overturn the ruling. Mayfield’s lawyers argued Mullen had correctly ruled that Mayfield faced irreparable harm from a suspension and doubts remain about the accuracy of NASCAR’s testing policy.

“NASCAR is absolutely corrupted by power, and its untenable motion to stay should be denied,” his lawyers wrote."

I copied and pasted this from Yahoo Sports News. I find this quote very interesting: levels of methamphetamine consistent with habitual users who consume high doses. It's also intresting that Mayfield isn't outright denying the results of the test, he's too busy bashing his Step-Mother.

Okay, so I tried to do an update on Myspace. I hate that site! Will keep it only for playing games.

Worked last night, should go to bed but am not tired yet. Will probably just sleep on the couch until Jeremy comes downstairs. Otherwise I won't get up and get his insulin and he really really needs me to pick it up for him now.

Went shopping today. Should never go shopping when I'm hungry and don't feel like cooking. Got a lot of stuff and most of it's ready to go right now. Good for me, bad for the salt content.

John Holdren ~ Science Czar. Scary guy Laura Ingram was just talking about him on Fox and Friends. He supports population control, taking babies from teenage mothers, and forced sterilization. Are we living in China? Maybe soon.

Work, well, let's just say it's work. Can't wait for the meeting on Wednesday. Should be some interesting stuff going on. Better be! Probably won't be, should be though. Cryptic I know, can't go into details, I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you!

Katey's looking at me like, okay, anytime now, let's shut off the tv, get off the computer, feed the cats and go to bed. Well at I'll feed the cat that's a start.

Jeremy had a rough nite last night. It felt like he was going thru withdrawl from oxy again. I'm guessing it's the neurotin. He took extra over the course of the month and ran out this weekend.

Another nice day. High 60's, sunny. I should mow the lawn, but will wait another day.

I've restarted my pink camo snuggie like wrap. I'm still trying to figure out the arm thing. I have a couple ideas will make one of them work.

We have had to postpone the Agate hunting trip today. Jeremy's retaining water and he's been up all night c/o pain. We are planning for the next time I have two days off, which conveniently is this next week.

Will work on getting all the stuff together so when the time comes we can just grab the stuff and be ready to go.

I'm going to work on catching up on the shows I haven't watched in a while. Watching Royal Pains now and will check out what else I've missed lately. And I've also heard that the Weeds is supposed to be funny too, will see if I can find it.